“Little Johnny didn’t sleep well that night. It may have been due to his new Hasbro’s Demon from Hell night-light.“

When I was a young kid my biggest fears were 1. Having my parents continue to dress me in country western shirts and friction inducing corduroy pants for school and 2. That creatures living in the sewer would come up through the toilet and drag me down to their netherworld. Both of which give me bad flashbacks and why to this day I have yet to use a public bathroom in a rodeo bar. My older cousins would also say those giant green porta-potties were simply a means to transport the toilet creatures from one part of the country to another only furthering my phobias. Sure maybe it was a hoax on a gullible fashion-challenged kid or perhaps it was a part of a larger undercover government conspiracy to thin crowds at county fairs and racing events. The truth may never be known.

In the movie C.H.U.D., the director apparently suffered some of the same childhood dramas as myself and used filmmaking for his therapy. C.H.U.D supposedly stands for Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dwellers. Run for your lives! It’s an acronym movie title… oh the horrors! but wait it turns out that it actually stands for Contamination Hazard Urban Disposal which is the name of a secret government policy to dump toxic waste under the city streets of New York. Would New Yorkers even notice the difference…probably not, that is until a cute little dogs get mutilated and a photographer starts screening his calls…thats when the cops are called into action. Christopher Curry plays Captain Bosch…a good cop with a disturbing mustache who is trying to find out the cause of the sudden disappearance of his wife and dozens of homeless people in the city. He meets A.J. played by City Slicker Daniel Stern, a centaurian looking fellow who runs a soup kitchen and is occasionally out-acted by his enormous hair or stained shirts. A.J. (when will the acronyms end!) is convinced that his homeless friends are being snatched up by someone or something in the sewers like a demonic Leona Helmsley looking for a few new hotel servants. The captain isn’t convinced though until they discover a giant moon boot and a clock radio that also acts as a geiger counter…shoot I have those things in my basement and I don’t have a CHUD problem….yet. The clock radio lights up like a Christmas tree indicating something is moving towards them and then the something starts growling. They express mild concern in the possibility of a horrible mutant creature about to munch on their innards and casually head back to the surface to attend a board meeting, successfully diffusing what could have been a actual tense situation.

Meanwhile in what seems like a completely different movie, George Cooper played by John “made for t.v. movie” Heard is taking photos of his pipe-cleaner shapely girlfriend, Lauren, who complain about pimples on her butt and wants to have lots of babies. George is also trying to hunt down one of his other star photo models, a homeless bag lady whom he has to bail out of jail. She brings him down below the city streets for a tunnel of garbage tour and to show him a chewed up leg which resembles someone’s unfinished BBQ ribs dinner platter.

A plot finally tries to rear it’s ugly head but thankfully is squashed via long scenes of useless dialog and dull boardroom scenes that play right out of a community theater production. Where is the cannibalism!? Government and city officials deny the existence of the C.H.U.D.S. then Daniel Stern has a temper tantrum and throws a book silently across the desk and suddenly they starting telling the truth. Guantanamo Bay should take notice on these interrogation techniques.

The officials decide to destroy the mutants by attempting to gas the tunnels and seal off the manholes. Meanwhile the captain simultaneously decides to send in a squad of police officer armed with standard issued flame throwers apparently forgetting the devastating results of what happens when you light a fart only on a much bigger scale.

A.J. and George end up trapped underground as a few escaping mutants attack John Goodman dressed as a copy at a local Diner. The John Goodman sized-snack doesn’t seem to ruin their appetites and they continue their night of rampage. Luaren is also attacked by a C.H.U.D. in her apartment but her class on samurai sword fighting self-defense at the YMCA finally pays off. She then steals a police car with keys still in the ignition and hightails it to the diner to find out where her boyfriend is. The scapegoat government official will do anything to make sure the public doesn’t know about the mutants and attempts to kill all the witnesses including A.J. and George still trapped below the city streets. Always better to kill every innocent bystander then letting them know you were illegally dumping toxic waste.

C.H.U.D is pure 80’s horror cheese. The gory effects are great and the over the top acting made this an enjoyable afternoon movie between info-mercials about carpet cleansers and botox creams. So I say CHUD it out….and always be sure to check the toilet seat before sitting.

Keep an eye out for….

- professional phone screening
- elf-like neighbors
- canine lynch mobs
- standard police issued flame throwers
- mutant neck extenders
- extreme shirt staining
- epileptics with rambo knives
- boardroom theater shows
- coin eaters…keep the change
- lost moon boots
- ground chuck-o-legs
- clock radio’s with optional geiger counters
- aggressive pay phone collectors
- shower clogs
- highbeam eye-lights
- gratuitous use of the term “manhole”
- explosive bread delivery trucks

Name that CHUD

a. Chihuahua Hound Undersized Dogs
b. Communist Hungarian Urban Development
d. Contortionist Hiding Under Desks
e. Contaminated Husband’s Underwear Discovery
f. all of the above

rated 7.6 out of 10 for the movie

Watch the trailer for “C.H.U.D.”

It’s been an extremely busy week and though I did get to watch 2 movies this past week neither really felt they would work well for one of my reviews. But while realizing I would be late yet again with a worthy b-movie review, I thought I’d get a bit creative and put together a video review of these two films that missed the cut. So here’s my first attempt below that I posted to YouTube. I’ll be making these brief video reviews occasionally. Hey now you’ll know my face so you can stop me on the street and kick me in the shins for recommending Troll 2. “You can’t piss on hospitality”

Watch episode 1: A brief review of “Them” and “Two Lane Blacktop”

“Mr. Johnson’s gallstone sculptures not only frightened away customers but so did his permanent look of surprise from passing them.“

In the early 80’s there started a trend of what I’ve termed the meat by-product movies. First there was Porky’s, Porky’s Revenge, Meatballs, then Hotdog and finally cam along Kentucky Fried Movie to deep fry it all together in it’s original recipe of seven herbs and spices. It was a cholesterol carousel of titles whose movie focus was crude humor, fart jokes, and adolescent guys trying to see boobies. Pretty much what I sum up as most of my high school experience… well and most of college.

So on my quest to find movies in the same genre I came across this little gem. At first when I saw this title I thought it said “The Last American Virginian” which I figured to be a History channel special about the presidency of Woodrow Wilson. To my surprise Woodrow Wilson turned out to be a Ralph Machio lookin’ bandanna wearin’ Italian kid in the 1980’s who catches a bad case of the crabs. The obsessive crotch grabbin’ made sense.

The Last American Virgin is the story of Gary (Lawrence Monoson) and his cohorts, Rick “gotta adjust my collar” and glandular-overactive David, affectionately named the “Big Apple” though I found him to be more of a pear shape myself then a round red apple. Gary’s blandness is only surpassed by his lack of personality while the rest of the guys are focused on trying to get laid or deliver some pink boxes of pizzas to housewives with bad Spanish accents. The first half of the movie is a series of lame joke setups for the pizza gigolos and opportunities to blare out some classic 80’s tunes. The plot writers must have been busy getting sleeping in that week.

Gary is in love with the curly haired girl from “Better of Dead”, Diane Franlin, except she’s in love with Gary’s best friend Rick. Diane’s character, Karin, doesn’t have a French accent this time and there’s no John Cussack asking her to fix his camaro, so this film is already more bearable. She shows little to no interest in Gary’s blandness most likely due to his alcoholism or inability to form coherent sentences . Gary wants to loose his virginity as soon as possible as if that would some how make him even more appealing to Karin, so he and his friends go find a hooker way past her expiration date that gives them all a bad case of crabs. Nothing says “will you be mine?” more than a VD. Then as if the director suddenly went on a sabbatical and a highschool drama teacher was flown in to take over, the movie takes a drastic bi-polar mood swing. From upbeat goofy teen comedy to soap drama in less than a second it’ll make your head spin. Karin suddenly gets pregnant from Rick at which point Rick breaks up with her not wanting anything to do with his new prego-girlfriend. Then Gary swoops in like a vampire from a rafter so that weepy eye Karin will have giant shoulder pad to cry on and he can put some of his bland moves on her. In order to help Karin he relocates her into his now dead grandmothers home and they play pretend family (uh….creepy!) He then sells his enormous wood grain stereo at a local pawn shop to help pay for her quickie drive-thru abortion, makes her breakfast, and buy her a pine tree a with a bag of oranges. Take note, 2 gifts not to bring to someone in the hospital. I really don’t want to give away the ending to this but WOW! A total downer and a big cold blast of reality for us viewers. But hey I admire a director with the steel cahonias to not sugar coat the consequences of teen sex and to not give us the stereotypical ending. No wonder this movie bombed in the box office. Their target demographic, horny guys, will laugh at the crude jokes, enjoy the boobies then after the ending go out and steer their car into a tree. Parents, you’ll want to lock your teens in the basement after you see this but I’d recommend giving it a view. Just be sure to wear protection.

Keep an eye out for….

-pink brady bunch station wagons
- sausage measuring assembly lines
- bike vandalism
- extreme devo
- sugar snorting diabetics
- nympho old Spanish housewives
- library rumbles
- illegal use of 80’s pop-up collars
- denim mania
- interpretive Spanish lessons
- emergency brake failure
- after glow upchucking

“When a VD comes along you must itch it…now itch it…itch it good.” - sung to the tune of Devo’s Whip it.

rated 6.5 out of 10 for the movie (I will give the last 20 minutes or so a 8.4)

Watch the trailer for “The Last American Virgin”

“What zombie doesn’t enjoy rockin’ out to the Grateful Dead?“

We’ve had a ongoing debate at work “Where would you go in the event of a zombie outbreak?” I know I know…a common office emergency scenario and a prevalent question in the political debates. But one that still must be answered. Hilary Clinton already faced that situation in Kosovo to which she claimed she grabbed a soldier’s machine gun and laid waste to hundreds of zombified villagers before the infection could spread and I’m not entirely convinced that John McCain isn’t already one of the living dead. Some people think the mall is a good choice, or a prison, or their local bomb shelter. All logical answers but not the best so when the undead overtake our small city I’m heading to Sam’s Club. It’s the perfect fortified structure with some gas tanks in front to load up fuel, very few entrances, not many if any windows, and a life time supply of the largest bulk food items you’ve ever seen. It’s like an Aztec temple of storage boxes and food samples. The only downside is they don’t carry ammo there but generally wherever you find a Sam’s there’s usually a nearby gun shop so you can stop on the way to load up your favorite semi automatic deer shredding hunting rifle. Sam’s club puts the huge in huge-mugnous. You could restart and entire civilization in one of those places or fill it with water and recreate naval battles. Of course zombies love to shop so you’ll most likely have to be clearing house for a while but after that initial carnage you can become the self proclaimed king of wholesale. Sitting on top of your giant throne of 10 gallon jars of mayonnaise and 45 pound bags of cereal. Former Walmart workers happy to serve you since they would still get better treatment under your dystopian dictatorship than their current corporate managers.

In Day of the Dead some survivors choice to try to wait out the zombie apocalypse in an Floridian underground storage facility instead of their nearby Sam’s location. I think that’s where they store Walt Disney’s head on a slab of ice. Lori Cardille plays Sarah, a scientist trying to figure out what caused the zombie outbreak and how to stop it along with her medical associate, a crazy scientist called Dr. Frankenstein who enjoys cutting up the undead to play full size versions of the game “Operations.” After a failed helicopter search for survivors on the surface the crew returns to the claustrophobic caves. It was obviously hard to tell the difference between a zombie with all those wrinkly old Floridians playing shuffle board when flying over them. A small band of misfit military are also stuck with the scientist in the caverns/storage facility as they try to find a cure or ways to domesticate the zombies. Dr. Frankenstein is working on trying to train one zombie in particular he affectionately refers to Bud (taste great, less filling) to do things like brush his teeth, shoot a gun, and not gnaw your face off, much for the same reasons we train monkeys. The military are herding the zombies in the caverns like rotting cattle for the doctor to continue his experiments on but they are growing more restless, more crazy, and more facial hair. Soon they’re starting to question if they should get out of Dodge and leave the doc and his friends to fend for themselves.

The Jamaican helicopter pilot and his alcohol liver soaked partner live further in the caverns in a makeshift trailer park including standard issued Hawaiian lua decor. The only thing missing are the mullets and iron maiden cut-off shirts. Sarah befriends them and the pilot gives a sermon from a lounge chair on how ticked off God is and how it would be best to go to an island and do some fly fishing. Things get worse as Sarah’s now former one armed boyfriend who was already a bit crazy goes certifiable nut job taking himself up the elevator as a sacrifice and letting the zombie gates open. Soon hundreds of zombies are filling the caves ripping army guys apart like old gi-joe dolls given to hyperactive 3 year olds. Sarah and her buddies attempt an escape deep into the caverns with a two by four and a shovel for protection. Good picks for weapons, no reloading.

The main star here is Bub played by Sherman Howard. Bub is the most sympathetic character in the whole film. You just want to take him for a pet. He’s kinda like Lassie the dog except an insatiable hunger for human flesh and the ability to shave but wouldn’t that have made Lassie a more interesting show anyways? Bub exacts his revenge on the military meat heads but instead of using his teeth he uses a magnum and a pretty decent aim as a zombified marine. Meanwhile the surviving military run around screaming like chipmunks while Jane and company flee to the surface to escape in the helicopter now surrounded by zombies looking to hitch a ride. While not as strong a movie as his first films, George Romero was still on his game with this 3rd bleak entry in his zombie series. Far superior to his more recent disasters of Land of the Dead and Diary of the dull..errr I mean Dead. To which I say if your named George and if you haven’t made a movie in 30 years just stop and put the megaphone down. Slowly step away from the camera. Nobody needs to get hurt. And this means you too George “Jar Jar must die” Lucas! As with Romero’s earlier zombie films there’s the heavy social commentary under-current on how we are own worst enemies who can’t co-operate in the face of a disaster..blah blah blah..yeah I know I’ve seen it every year on black friday at the mall, just bring on the zombie carnage. It really is an interesting comment on the times of Regan ’s military machine tactics and our own paranoia so definitely check it out and always remember to groom your zombie properly before feeding and keep your firearms hidden. Remember that guns don’t kill people…zombies with guns kill people.
Keep an eye out for….

- shaving cuts
- hand climbing walls
- bad Jamaican accents
- zombie herding
- cave trailer parks
- head shoveling
- impromptu amputations
- extreme gut rippin’
- severed heads jump starting.
- clown zombies
- zombie-vators
- golf cart hit and runs

I wonder if zombies ever stop to think about all the trans fats and salt they’re getting from eating us Americans. We should be wearing t-shirts with nutritional labels printed on them.

rated 9.1 out of 10 for the movie

Watch the whole dang movie on YouTube!!! (part 1 of 10)….. piracy police start your engines.